I'm not feeling very good again today. It's my back, and probably the combination of pain/anti-inflammatory/relief medication I am taking. I've been out of work/practicum since practicum was over on Tuesday. I called in to work Wednesday, and today I didn't go to my practicum site. Tomorrow I'm not going to work, the doctor orders so. I am right now having a hot flash, and it's uncomfortable.

:: sigh ::

I went to the library today while I was waiting for my scripts to get filled at Rite Aide, and got a few good books. I also got my financial aid check today, which means i'll be paying out the ass bills soon. I also get paid tomorrow, but I have to figure out a way to go get my check, since I called in and all. :(

Things with Nathan have been really strained lately. I went into the bridal shop with him on Sunday because he had to get fitted for a tux for his brother's wedding, and I was looking at the wedding dresses, and that is something I really want to do. I WANT TO GET MARRIED, but I don't think I want to get married to him... correction, I know I don't want to get married to him. Why am I still doing this? This farst of a relationship?

I dunno. Comfortability? Reliability? It's definately not for the sex, we have it once every three weeks, when he can squeeze me in between BASEBALL and COMMERCIALS. Hmm... It's not for his thoughtfulness and romanticism. No need to go into that dark alley. It's not because he provides me with a burning desire to spend every waking moment with him. Actually, I don't mind not talking to him sometime... and I don't want to spend every waking moment with him, or let alone, every sleeping moment. I am quite happy sharing my bed with my Sydney and dealing with her feet in my back.

So, what is it with me then? I care about Nathan. I even love him. But, it doesn't seem like it's enough any more. I think it kinda goes back to that one day when he said that thing to me about marriage. I just don't think that he's the one anymore. That's so cliche.

I really have more than myself to think about. Sydney is important, very important. And yes, Nathan does adore her, and he puts her up there on his list. But, all the same, it's not how I want it to be, or how it should be. Especially after FOUR years... given, that's off and on, but... regardless.

I guess it's just comfortable. It's better than being alone. I guess. Hell, I don't even know that to be true. Who am I cutting myself off to by being in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere but where it currently is?

It was so bad the other night, Wednesday night, (last night) that I was about ready to call up a friend, get stoned, and then shag his brains out... or call Richard, from Monroe, and go shag his hot ass brains out.

:: sigh ::

It's funny, cause really, I shouldn't be bitching. Nathan spoils me kinda, with dinner, and money and stuff. But he does that to make up for the areas that he lacks in which are more important than money. A lot of girls say I have a nice guy, he's good to me, I'm lucky. Why don't I feel that way? He's not coming over here to take care of me is he? Hell no he's not. And he's not sending me flowers or anything is he? Hell no he's not.

Fuck.

God, I hope Nathan doesn't read this. But I am FRUSTRATED. I guess it is better for me to suffer in silence. No big deal. I've got more important things to deal with...

like my painful ass back... :( God it hurts! BOo Hoo Hoo!

Hearing: Pikmin
Feeling: Confused
Stressing: Hurting

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04