Flake. I never used to be a flake. I'd make plans, Hell, I wouldn't make plans, because I didn't have anyone to make plans with. And when I did make plans, I definately kept them, and had a hell of a time while I was out as well. Now adays, I guess I would be considered of the spieces flakeronus. Yeah, that's me, flaker extraordinarie! :(

Jeff made a good point in my notes section. Yeah, the one person I do keep most my plans with is Nathan. I've even cancelled plans with others, just so I can stay at home with him.

Now, only one thing can come of this flakiness that I am making everyone else suffer at my expense. People (My friend) are going to quit calling me, (some already have) and stop making plans with me...(some already have). I am very deserving of this, but what happens when I don't have that "person" i am always making time with?

Now, don't get me wrong. most of the time that i am with nathan, I am also with Sydney. so this is a good thing, as she is my #1 priority. However, I should make plans AND KEEP THEM with my friends. I need friends, and support circles...

:: sigh ::

But, alas, it is a catch 22... if I go out, and have fun, everyone is so damn far away from me. So I have to drive like an hour to a half hour home, and go to bed... get up early with sydney and start my day again. I do not have the luxury of sleeping in when I drink one too many, I am not able to spend the night many places, (d/t boyfriend). I mean, I didn't like it when Nathan was going out every weekend and spending the night at Mike's in the Oregon? No. I didn't, and we weren't even together....

anyways.. off this thing of flaking...

i was thinking today... and this is not too good an idea for me at times, as I think too much and do more damage than I do good. but... i have pretty much been with the same person for four years... yeah, there's been the occasional.. fun here and there, but Nathan's been it. And here we are, not any closer to where we've ever been. How we are is the furthest we've ever got... how am i to believe we are going to go farther? how long am I going to be stuck in limbo stage??? all the while, i'm flaking on friends and losing them... who's to say he's not going to up and leave again, and then i'll be the one slicing up my arms again because i'm depressed because i have no friends and no one to talk to....

well.. erika.. all your friends would say i told you so. they would tell you what you've been in denial about so fucking long, and now you are in denial still, but are unwilling to acknowledge the truth of the matter, instead choosing to stay in denial...

:: sigh ::

You know what?? I've been thinking again....

someone please save me from me.... again.

Hearing: Powerpuff Girls
Feeling: Pain
Stressing: Going to read Dr Seuss to Sydney

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04