I have the opportunity on Wednesday to apply the computer spy on NS's computer. The question is, should I or shouldn't I? I see his bank statement, I see his credit card. There was once a time where he was not doing this stuff, on his own, because he didn't want to, because he didn't need to. I am afraid of what I will find. And is it really worth it? When I find something, am I really going to say it's over this time? after all the times before, he called my bluff? Would I really do what I need to do if things were found? Or is it worth it? Just be ignorant, I don't want to know?

:: sigh ::

I know Jeff would have interesting things to say about this, but we aren't talking anymore. It's times like this, where I really valued what he had to say, (I usually did, otherwise, I wouldn't have talked to him)

But I digress. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what I might find. For some, sick, strange, reason. I feel that I would find something... and that would just make my heart break. Even FREE porn would piss me off. I know it in my heart of hearts that he still looks at stuff like that, and that he has another e-mail address, but at the same time, I want to trust him, I want to believe him. ((ANDREA? Can you give me some advice on this?? You've been there.)) Argh. What to do, what to do.

In other news, that crazy bitch Jane from my old practicum site called today, told my grandma that, "Linda suggested I give her a call." (as in, linda suggested she give me a call) What the fuck ever?!?!!? I don't want to talk to her. So I called and left her a message, pretty much telling her not to call me back, and that Sydney doens't have ring worm. So, I think, that I am just going to buckle, get the damn excuse, and have the doctors office fax it to linda. I don't want to play these games. Fuck it. It's not worth it. I still haven't gotten placed anywhere, that I am aware of. Argh. Grandma is worried that they won't place me if I don't cooperate. I don't think they can do that, but I want this BEHIND me. So far behind me it couldn't rape me in the ass in the future.

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. Happy birthday to me. We are going to go out to eat on Wednesday, a party of 10! (family :) ) My mom, step dad, gma, gpa, levi, andrea, nathan, barbara, sydney, me) fun stuff. i love not having to go to work tomorrow. but this practicum stuff is upsetting my bowels everytime. :( my stomach hurts and all that shit.. (literally) haha.. too much information? Yeah.

Sydney and I played soccer, baseball, and went for a bike ride/walk tonight. It was fun. We're going to watch a movie now. Since I don't have to work tomorrow, I can stay up all night if I want.

Nathan is taking me somewhere for my birthday this weekend. Sounds fun.

check me out on myspace.com! :)

Hearing: Brandtson
Feeling: Tired, Worn, Fed Up, Confused, Mixed Up
Stressing: Movie, Bed, whatever the fuck I want.

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04