L: so what did you want my advice on darlin?

E: http://bledgirlblue.diaryland.com

L: whoa... andrea had to deal with shit like this?

L: with levi?

E: ah.. not andrea.. levi andrea

E: my other friend andrea

L: ahh okay

E: from florida.. i let her borrow the computer spy program

12:10AM

L: ahh

E: i just get that weird feeling.. pressure on my sternum.. chest cavity

E: when i think of what i might find

E: it would be great if i found nothing... but i am afraid i will... and because of that i don't want to put the program on there.

L: well, what would it change if you did it. does that mean nathan loves you less?

L: does that mean you love him less?

E: like.. i want to put the program on there.. to prove to myself.. that i'm being stupid.. not trusting him.. to let myself know i can be open, and honest... but... if i'm afraid i will find something.

E: no.. it means that he lies to me.. continuously when i find something

E: is it worth it thought?

E: i'm happy with nathan.

E: sydney loves him

E: i love him

E: i hope to live with him, marry him. but.

E: if you were afraid someone you loved was lying to you... someone you banked your future on... wouldn't you want to know if you could trust him again?

L: yeah

L: i would

E: i just love him so much, it's pathetic... i'm willing to not know.. because it would break my heart if i did know for sure he was still lying.

L: you should tell him that.

E: but at the same time, if he's not.. and it's truthful, and honest.. yaye for me.. but i don't want to chance the heartbreak.

E: he'll go off about how i don't trust him, blah, blah, blah.

12:15AM

L: ahhhh, then dont tell him that

E: "I show you my bank statements, my credit card statement, what else do you want from me?"

E: it's familiar

E: i guess, the least I can do... is put it on there...

E: and if i do find something.. .isn't that better for me, and for sydney? that i know now, instead of three years down the road? or what if i can't do it again, what if i can't end it permanetly?

E: i'm just not strong enough...

E: god.. i'm sorry

L: i've never really been in love, so i don't know what that's like.

E: it's like someone is grabbing a hold of my lungs, my heart, i am shakey, i am cloudy.

E: unsure.

E: i want to know i can trust him, i don't want to know what he is doing if i can't.

L: but. . . i also know you have to start trusting him if you want to love him. you have doubts, which is fine since theres been incidents in the past, ya know? but when will you start trusting him if its not now?

E: does that make sense?

L: yeah it does.

E: and i do trust him, it's just that the computer spy, would be the "final, for sure way" to know.

E: and i can make sure i'm not fucking myself again

E: but

E: another thing

E: is that he's doing something super nice for my birthday this weekend

L: what are you doing?

E: if i put that thing on there wednesday before our dinner.... and i find shit before friday.. argh!

E: and i'll act funny because i'll be jumpy from adrenaline

L: i'd wait until after the wbeekend

E: and he'll know something is up

L: do you really want to ruin your birthday that way?

E: but this wednesday is the only way for me to find out

L: ohh

L: hmmm

E: and i know.. that if i have these doubts.. should i really be with him? but.. god.. i dunno... and i'm the fucking therapist in training!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:20AM

E: i really think... that this is my borderline disorder acting up

L: ah, this is a tricky situation. and this is a prime example of why i dont want a boyfriend.

L: your boyfriend loves you.

E: i am trying to sabotage something, because... well.. i do this sometimes.

L: nathan loves you and sydney

E: i have to talk myself out of them.... i know he does leesa.. thanks for reminding me

E: like the other day

L: and someday, when you're both ready, you'll be married.

L: and you can trust him. has he ever cheated on you?

E: i was trying to think of how he could still be paying for porn.. like.. he could have another credit card.. and then i thought.. well.. how can he pay for the credit card, it would come out of the bank statement i see every month.. and blah.. i had to logically talk myself out of my incoherant stupor.

E: no. he has never cheated on me.

E: i was a worthless girlfriend at one time.

L: lucky gal. i've been cheated on, and it sucks.

L: you've been together for years. he adores you.

L: he might not show it the same way as you, but its clear he adores you.

L: i mean, let's face the facts. how many guys our age are willing to be father figures to a child that they aren't legally responsible for. ya know?

E: yeah

E: definitely

E: this is why i like talking to you

E: you help me to see the sunshine through the storm

thanks to jt and so for the notes. I appreciate your feedback and caring comments.

Hearing: The Beatles -
Feeling: Tired
Stressing: Aim / Bed

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04