I've been up since that last entry. I can't sleep. Watched 21 grams. Wow. That's all I can say about that movie. Of course, everyone else in my household is sleeping, so I had to try to keep the sound down, and then towards the end, I realised I should have just turned on the damn subtitles. Yeah. Smart one Erika.

This whole Nathan and Erika thing has me confused. It's a story I'd rather not go into, but I am really just... I don't know. It makes me sad to think about it. Really sad. But I don't know what the fuck to do. He admitted tonight that he is scared of marriage, scared of moving in together, all I could say is, what else do I have to do to prove myself? I've stood by your side through all the shit, what makes you think that just because we get married, I'm going to go ahead and decide to leave? I don't understand. I waited an entire, heart wrenching year for him to decide to take me back... I suffered a fucking psychotic episode where I was slicing and dicing my arms and hands... I'm not that person anymore... but jesus, what else do I have to do? Towards the end of that year, last October, right about this time, I was ready to give up, to move on, I was making plans with friends, going out on my own, finally starting to let go of him, and then that SON OF A BITCH decides he wants the relationship again. And now look where we are... the same place we've always been. and it .never. changes.

The next step is never taken. The next level is never achieved. He's not willing to step up.

IT's not just me in this. I have Sydney to think about too.

I think it would just be easier if it were just me and her. And then I wouldn't have to worry about "when" and "if" we get married and all those things, and moving, and schools, and blah, blah, blah.

There's so many things I have to do... but how can I do them when I don't even want to think about it?

I really want to slice on my arm... and I think that would help.

Hearing: The Fan
Feeling: Sad/Watery/Tired/Headache
Stressing: Crying.. and then bed or movie?

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04