This is an entry from my cnfssnlgirl diary from about a year ago, some things in this entry is in relation to things happening at that time, but this is an about me entry

07.13.02

1005am

.life.story.now.

man, it's a little early in the morning, but i'm getting back to going to bed when normal people go to bed, at like 10 instead of going to bed at 4 am after playing playstation and talking to people on IM.

yesterday I talked to my dad (step dad) about what my mom had said to him, and we talked for quite a bit about it, in the end we were both crying. I feel so horrible for ed. he said this is the hardest thing he's ever gone through in his life, and he's lost BOTH his mom and dad. He lost his dad when he was 12, and he lost his mom about three years ago. I just don't understand my mom. My assessment of the situation is this:

1. She needs counseling.

2. She needs to go back on her meds.

3. She needs counseling.

I guess this is going to go into my life. Let's start out, it was always inevitable anyways.

We'll have to start out ahead of my time. My mom had two brothers, Paul, the oldest, and Rick, the middle child, and my grandma and grandpa.

The fourth of july of my uncle pauls 19th year, my uncle rick and his buddy were going to the drive-in, and they begged my uncle paul to go. my uncle paul eventually agreed, and went with his brother to the drive in.

That night they were in a accident, a drunk driver hit the car and my uncle paul was killed. the driver is now a parapalegic, and my uncle rick had a few bruises and bumps.

A year later, my uncle rick was riding around on his motorcycle, and his buddy had this girl on the bike, well, the girl got her heel caught in the bike's spikes, and the buddy of his swerved over, and my uncle rick swerved to avoid hitting his buddy, and he hit a cement enbankment with his head, he wasn't wearing a helmet. My uncle Rick was in a coma for 18 days before he eventually passed.

At this time, my mom was engaged to be married to a gentleman named Bill. After my uncle rick was killed, she went a little AWOL and cancelled the wedding, a week before, and decided to wreak havoc on her life. She moved out of my grandparents house, in with two really bad influences in Brookville. Now my grandparents had in a sense, lost all their children. My step dad told me yesterday , that my mom has said to him that if she had been the one to die, grandma and grandpa would be happier. (total BULL shit) but this is how bad my mom was messed up by this. It still affects her. Long story short, my grandma went and dragged her ass home, then she found out she was pregnant. (with me) so I was a little of a blessing. I didn't have a father. She said that Bill was the father, but he wanted nothing to do with me. Then she met my brothers dad, (and who i knew as my dad till i was 18 when i found out he wasn't my real dad) She got pregnant again, and had Levi, my best friend. Then my memories start.

My first memory is of when I was 2, or 3, my mom and dad were arguing in the downstairs bed room where i currently live with my grandparents, and they were arguing. I remember i was sitting against the wall wishing i had a whistle to blow hard to make them stop. I talked to my dad about this not to long ago, and he said that was the night he left. I remember the night he left. He left for a number of reasons. I don't doubt that he and my mother loved eachother, but they were both heavy on the bottle, and in a lot of ways, that was the only thing that they had in common. Plus, there were young. My mom and dad were both 20. My mom then met this guy Jon, who just so happened to be an abusive asshole who almost killed her quite a few times. My mom was dating this guy Jon, and I remember the first time I saw her with a black eye. I asked her what had happened, and she replied that a woman had hit her because she was being friendly with the womans boyfriend. I don't know how, but I understood. At this time, we were living with grandma and grandpa, along with our mom. grandma and grandpa figured out that jon was beating the shit out of her, and grandma told her that he was not welcome on their property, and if he was found there she would call the law out on his ass. Well, my mom decides that she would rather have a relationship with him than save money and listen to grandma. So she get's an apartment down the road in Verona and we move there. At this time I was in school, and i think levi went to a baby sitters? I dunno. What I do remember about the apartment is that many a nights Levi and I would sit together in our room in the dark at 4 am when jon decided he was going to beat up our mom. When he decided he was done with her, he would leave, and I would go out and assess the damage. My mom would often be sitting on the counter, crying, and I would go up to her, hug her and tell her everything would be alright. I grew up then. One time we came out at 4 am in the morning, and we had a little table with chairs, and my chair was all over the floor in pieces, I asked mom what happened, and she replied that it was an accident and she would replace it. (what had really happened was that she had broke the damn chair over jon's back to get him the fuck off her). I started to realise at this point what was going on. There were a lot of other times these things went on. The climax of the Jon situation accured one night when I was at my grandparents. My mom had not come to get us yet, and the phone rang. I answered it, and I can still here that mother fuckers voice in my ear. "is your mother there?"

"no, she's not" "do you know where she is?" "it's none of your business" I hung up the phone. (yeah, i was a sassy little 3rd grader)

I told my grandpa what he had said, and then my mom showed up. I knew in my heart something was going to happen, I knew that that jerk off was going to be at the apartment when we got there. Sure enough, we walk in the door, I look to my right, and that mf is sitting on our toy box. He took my mom outside, and I got on the phone to my dad. Dad told me to call grandpa, and call him back. I called grandpa, and grandma answered the phone. I told grandma what was happening, and she said that grandpa had already left. My grandpa shows up, with his gun, and asks me where he is. I told him, my grandpa went out to the side stair way, (our apartment was upstairs, there was a back door, and there were stairs in the side front) Anyways, my grandpa stood on top of that stairway and pointed that gun right at Jon. Told him to get the hell out of here, and if he ever saw him again he'd put a bullet in him.

And that was pretty much the end of Jon. He popped up a few more times, at bars, and then he wrecked his stupid racing boat and mom visited him. (LORD, don't ask me why!) After Jon, my grandma got breast cancer, and my mom met Larry. Larry was alright. He was a drunk after his father died, and he didn't really want us kids around. Before my mom met larry, and when my grandmother had cancer, my grandma asked my dad if he would let us live with him for a couple years. By this time my dad had remarried, cathy. (blah) He first said no, but then for some reason, ( i suspect cathy said, hey, if they live with us you don't have to pay childsupport) he changed his mind. So one day, levi and i came home from school, and my grandmother suggested that we go live with dad. Levi was gungho about it, and I just cried. The reasoning was that mom needed to get her life back together, post jon era, and my grandmother was very sick. I was going to school telling my teachers how she was dieing. (this is 4th grade)

So the decision was made to live with dad. In the end, I was the one trying to be happy for levi, and levi was crying. They dropped us off New Years Eve of that year at our Great Grandma Hofackers, and the following day, New years Day, Dad came and got us and we moved in.

Fast foward three years.

Grandma recovered, mom got over jon as much as she could, and cathy, our step mom progressively changed into this horrible person. I don't know if she resented me because I was there, and she and dad had to take care of me, even though I wasn't "his". (i didn't know I wasn't his though) But she was just plain mean. I used to HATE coming home from school to her. I HATED IT. After doing dishes, sweeping the house, and making something for us to eat, I would go up to my room and read or listen to the radio. Cathy was attending college for teaching, (dad met her at a strip bar where she worked) and Dad was working all the time. He was NEVER home. We pretty much lived with Cathy. The reason dad and cathy got married, is because she got "suprise" pregnant. I think she tricked my dad, she really is evil. So now there's Colt, my wonderful little half brother, who wasn't so wonderful at the time. I hated living there because Cathy was really horrible to me and Levi. Eventually, our mom left Larry for Ed. (stepdad, pretty much our dad) ED! OH MY! He was the sign that things were going to improve. He is what made our lives better. Ed IS wonderful. Ed IS our Wonderful DAD! He and mom got married, after Levi and I kept asking him, when are you going to propose? They got married the summer before my 7th grade year. Things were progressively worse with Cathy, and Dad was never around. Levi and I were telling grandma, grandpa, mom and ed what was happening at dad's. How we lived there most of the time just Levi, I, Branden(step bro), and Colt. Cathy was never there, and Dad wasn't there either. How cathy would punish me for nothing, how I wasn't allowed to go over to friends houses, how friends weren't allowed to come over, how I wasn't allowed to call any of my friends, how they had to call me. how she wouldn't let me try out for cheerleading. how i did most of the house work, with the boys having to work too. There were a lot of things that happened with Cathy that were really bad. I know they happened, but I can't remember very many because I've tried to forget my whole childhood. Eventually Mom and Ed told Dad and Cathy that we wanted to move in with them. Dad and Cathy said no... there was a HUGE custody battle... it was ugly. It got worse with Cathy. We had to go to a psychologist to see what family would be more healthier. this was a joke. the whole time levi and i were in with ed and mom we were all lovey and huggin on them the whole time. when we went in with dad and cathy we all sat in different chairs, and didn't hardly make eye contact.

The psychological report from the tests we all had to take supposedly revealed a lot of quirky things about Cathy. I'm sure they must have revealed a lot of stuff about my mom too, with all the stuff she'd been through. but cathy musta been worse than mom, cause custody was granted to Mom and Ed. I remember my dad crying... I don't know why. Maybe he really did love us and want us to stay. But we were hardly a family. After that our relationship with our father progressively declined. Weekend visits were cancelled by him because of work, eventually it got to the point where we just assumed he wasn't coming. *I think that really hurt levi and I, but we'd never let it show*

So, Mom and Ed lived in Dayton, Levi and I went to a Catholic school, met some of the coolest/nicest people around. Then at the end of my 7th grade year, ed and mom found a house in Pitsburg Ohio. (where they live now) They bought it, we moved in, and Levi and I spent the whole summer playing video games and eating soft pretzels at the local bar. We didn't know a soul till we started school.

The second day of school the school bully, Kaylee, had me cornered in the gym at the top of the bleachers.

Now that I think about it. I usually had been the target for bullies. When I was in elementary at TCN, this girl Lisa Webster was really mean to me, when I was at TVS, in the jr high these girls names billy-joe and Selena were evil to me. (i got in a fight with selena after she shoved me in a hallway) then when I went to catholic school in 7th grade, this girl Bridgette made me cry almost everyday.

Then at FM, Kaylee was my foe. I joined the wrong crowd because of her. and met the wrong guy. lost my viginity in the 8th grade, and my ninth grade year I straightened myself out. I joined volleyball, basketball, and kaylee kept on, calling me a slut, bitch, in the hallway. My real moment of high school was one morning when I was in Math class. I had spent the weekend with my best friend Carolyn, (still my best friend) and I was dead tired, we had a subsitute teacher, and it was the end of the period. I overheard Kaylee saying that "erika had been with six guys this past weekend". To which I replied, "at least I don't have crabs." No one liked Kaylee so everyone laughed. Words were exchanged in the class room, and by the time the bell was ringing I was super pissed, I had had enough! I had spent the past two years dealing with this, and it was going to end today. I remember thinking I was not going to walk out in front of her, so I fell in behind her, and she made ANOTHER comment to her friend Elizabeth, and WHAM! My hand went out, grabbed the back of her skanky(she really was the school slut) hair and beat the shit out of her. We had a new principal, and I don't think he knew what to do. He didn't know about all the things she had done to me the previous year, and so I was suspended for two days. I remember my mom picking me up from basketball practice, (I got suspended from the team b/c of the fight) and she asked me, did you get her good? I said yeah. That was a moment I had had with my mom. (the reason my mom asked me this is because kaylee had actually called our house and called my mom a whore on the phone!!!)

So... I had a boyfriend Dan, my sophomore year, and he was alright at first. By the end of my sophomore year he started to get a little abusive, and by the end of my jr year it was bad. As a Sophomore I was cutting myself with a razor, I was having arguments with my mom, and it just wasn't working. I ended up getting on medication for Depression, and I moved in with my Grandparents. I was getting better, and then on the way back from Louisinana with my grandparents, my grandma finally told me that my dad wasn't my "real" dad. It really affected me. Everything that I had thought was true, was a lie. Nothing was as I had believed. I decided I was going to break up with Dan, and I had decided what I was going to do with my life, what college I wanted to go to.. THEN...A week after my Junior year, I found out I was pregnant with Sydney. I told Dan, and he flipped out, wanted me to get an abortion. Family, friends, the decision was up to me, and I decided to keep her. I never regretted that decision. I never will. I stayed with Dan, and he was abusive until i started to show, then he stopped, with the physical.. not with the mental. I had sydney, she was born 10 pds 3 ounces, and a week later, she was crying and Dan told her to shut up.

That was the end of him.

I had started distancing myself from him, and by Sept of 2000 I had met Nathan. (my now boyfriend) I broke it off with Dan totally. And the following January I told his mom that I didn't even know if Dan was the real father of Sydney. (It's better this way, trust me) I haven't heard from them sense, and Sydney knows that Nathan is her "daddy". I guess in a way I'm repeating my mothers mistakes. But I know that I'm going to be better.. I'm going to do better.. and I'm going to strive for better. Nathan and I have been together for almost 2 years.. with the exception of 3 months broke up, and some other real problems that are resolved. I go to school full time, I want to be a child psychologist. For now I am working on getting my Medical Coding Certificate, and I'm starting a new job at a medical office sometime in the next two weeks.

I love Nathan, and we have some issues, but I honestly believe we can resolve them.

My brother is my best friend, we have been through so much together, and I love him, even though he might leave me for San Diego. At least he's following his dream.

My mom and I aren't close. At All. I wish we could be but we aren't.

My step dad is practically my dad. I love him as so and I couldn't see my life with out him.

I live with my grandparents, and my grandma and I used to be really close, but we aren't as close now. I dunno. Maybe when I move out and get my own place we'll be close again. I hope so.

I believe I need counseling. lmao.

Here's my counseling, my diary.

The newest drama in my life is that my mom told my step dad she isn't sure she loves him anymore.

And I saw him cry yesterday.

Welcome to my life.

Hearing:
Feeling:
Stressing:

past | present

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