Aww.. shit. Today I was reading through my old diary (cnfsslgirl) and I was thinking about how I used to be able to express myself then, get all the bull shit out and deal with it. I'm finding that all that bull shit is now inside me, about a years worth, and when certain situations occur, it draws that bull shit up and out of my eyeballs in a liquid form.. called tears.

Tonight I went over to Nathan's instead of going to school, ended up doing that which I said I would not do.. gee.. can you guys guess what that was?? My reasoning for this is that I'm telling him to figure out what the hell he wants to do with our relationship, and then i'm going over there and giving him the milk for free.. why would he need to make a decision, he's getting all the sex he needs without being "committed" on the level I want to be committed... even though neither one of us is talking to anyone else, and neither one of us is even thinking about spreading the physical love around.. it's monogamus fucking.... but then he jumped in the shower and I went snooping.. to see if I was safe trusting him again... and I made a deal out of something that wasn't a deal.. and then he was pissed at me.. and then I felt like a ASS and then we talked, and I cried, and apologized, and tried to explain.. and the he talked and I listened and we RESOLVED the issue. Then we went into his bedroom.. watched some baseball movie.... then I was talking to him about how we used to be.. and I was touching him, his face, his ears, his hair, his neck, his back... and I just started thinking about how bad I want this all the time.. how bad I want to come home to OUR home, and him be there.. and me be able to fall asleep safe in his arms.. and for sydney nathan and I to finally be our little family...

and then I think about how everything has changed.. nothing is the same.... (it could be that I've been listening to dashboard lately as well) but I started crying.. (all that bullshit that I've suppressed is coming up) and he says he gets nervous when I'm like this.. and I say I have to go... and he won't let me leave till he knows I'm okay.. and he actually KISSES me... like he cares.

There's just all this pain inside of me...... this big ugly pain monster.. and it wants to come out and rear it's ugly head because I've been denying these feeling for so long.. I don't want to get hurt again, therefore, I deny that I care.... when that couldn't be further from the truth..

I am helpless. hopeless.. I can't do anything anymore....

one thing that i want more than in the world.. is to be able to sleep with him this weekend... to lay next to him falling asleep to his breathing.. with my head resting on his back... and then waking up in the middle of the night to find his hand in mine....

it seems so unattainable.....

and then.. here the tears race....

Hearing: Am I Missing - Dashboard
Feeling: Empty, Sad and Numb at the same time...
Stressing: Go to bed....

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04