Friday, December 5th, 2003

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1:46 pm - Newer Happenings...

So. Erika and Nathan are finally in a "normal" relationsship. I feel normal for the first time in my life, and I've established that I *hate* my job.

Gotta get.. xoxo.

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003

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3:27 pm

what do i hve to say? nothin really. funny how things go.... and things.. feel... and things.. just... go.... eh?

current mood: Tired

current music: norah jones

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Saturday, August 16th, 2003

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11:44 am

so my conclusion is that there is something extremely wrong with the Y chromosome and that's why guys in my generation act so FUCKED UP. There was definately something wrong with Brian, as of Nathan, we all know what's wrong with him, there's something wrong with this Jimmy dude I talked to last night, and there's something wrong with Jeff, and there's something wrong with Nate, It's outta control, I've not yet met a normal guy. Isn't that strange?

current mood: dirty

current music: techo/trance

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Sunday, August 10th, 2003

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9:02 pm

not in a too bad mood today. nathan has been really good to me lately, nice, and all that shit...... i met a guy named brian last night, made out with him, he'd said he'd call.. he didn't call. yeah.. they never do. at least i have nathan. i guess thats a sign.. alright... i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about.. who cares...... i need to finish reading my book... an inside look at borderline personality disorder..... that's me.... i'm tired.. and i believe i'm going to leave these damn contacts in tonight when i go to sleep... i need to wash my face.... i need to wash everything.... i wish i could throw my insides into the washer... and then i could climb in when it was on the spin cycle

i fucking hate it when guys say they are going to call.. and then they DON'T!

it's a fucking pet peeve

current mood: annoyed

current music: Further Seems Forever - Insincerity

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Thursday, July 31st, 2003

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10:28 pm

tonight i'm meeting nate.. in approx one hour

wooo hoooo..

i'm excited.

gotta get off here soon.

current mood: Nervous

current music: Jets To Brazil

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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003

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9:20 pm

You know what is funny sometimes? Realization is funny. To realize that everyone is right, and the person you are in love with is a total self-absorbed asshole. Ya know? I mean, I went over there after work tonight to see him, after school. I could have just come home here to see sydney and talk to nate on aim, but no, i decided to talk to nathan at his house.

I'm really into nate.... this guy from friendster. he's so sweet.. and cute.. and nice. and funny.

i hate starting new things... but I love it all the same.

current mood: giggly

current music: Lisa Loeb

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Sunday, July 27th, 2003

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10:02 pm

i fucking hate you. i despise you. i hate your guts, heart, soul; from the top of your disgusting fucking nasty head to the bottom of your smelly gross hairy feet.

i hope that when you die, worms turn away.

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Friday, July 4th, 2003

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7:00 pm

i'm so fucking tired of all this god damned pain.. all this fucking game shit, all of this back and forth cluster fuck

fuck you nathan. go to hell.

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Tuesday, May 27th, 2003

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9:01 pm

how does one do this? just not calling, emailing, no contact. it kills me inside. I just want to pick up the phone and say "hi". knowing that if I do, it's just going to bring me more despair and misery because he'll just be a jackass on the phone....I've been thinking a lot about the past, about all the things he did that hurt me, to try to rouse up some kind of negative emotion towards him, and it's just not fucking working. I am pretty proud of myself, I didn't call him tonight on the way home from school, but I still want to go downstairs and pick up the phone and call him. Bill 'O'reilly is just about off, and I've been checking his e-mail, he's not even checking it. Like he doesn't care if I e-mail him, or anything. ::: sigh ::: I feel so worthless......

sometimes, I just want to be wanted. and I'm not. anywhere.

I just want to be wanted..... by him

current mood: annoyed

current music: The Beatles- She's leaving home....

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Monday, May 26th, 2003

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12:13 am

my eyes hurt.... :(

current mood: pissed off

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12:11 am

I just need to realize that every moment that I spend with him, talking to him, thinking of him, being reminded of him, is a waste of fucking precious time, precious memories with my daughter, that the stupid remembering of him, or wasting time on him is taking time away from more important things, like my daughter, school, my grandparents, my mom, my dad, my brother, fuck him. fuck him and his high and fucking mighty attitude

"It's not any of your business, I don't have to answer your questions anymore."

that's right mother fucker, you know why? because I am fucking done with YOU.

to hell with you and your drawn out bullshit. fuck you and your "wasted time.".....

when you're ready for me, I'm going to be OVER you.

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12:04 am

so tonight i went out and got a little "trashed", played some pool with my dad, ate dinner with my mom and dad, played darts with some guys.. had fun.. ::::: end of fun:::::: went over to nathan's because i get stupid when i get drunk, showed up, watched him play some stupid ass fucking game on the ps2, then i went to the bathroom, found a receipt from yesterday in which he only hast 280 in the fucking bank. (big fucking deal, seeing as he's so fucking tight with money, and how he can't do anything nice for me like BUY MY DINNER.

Relationships are SHIT. Sometimes i just wish nathan would go away. he made a comment about my arms, how he knew it wasn't a cat, how he knew that i was really cutting again, how they looked "fresh". whatever. i told him that if he admits he is still looking at porn, then i'll admit that i've been cutting my arms still. mother fucker. i hate him with a passion. a fucking passion.

how can you love someone and hate them at the same time???? I don't fucking know, but I do know that it is fucking possible.

suicide dreamer

current mood: gloomy

current music: two fans running

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Sunday, May 25th, 2003

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10:28 am

I was ready to slit, drink, pill take my way into hell yesterday. I was so close to just ending it all. Instead I took four darvocet and then cut up my arm a little, took a bath, let the blood run down the drain, and then I made a three cd set of songs that remind me of him, and played that while I fell asleep. I slept from 5pm till 9 am this morning. I would still be sleeping but I didn't have anyone home here to be with sydney. I tried to call him yesterday, to apologize, i'm glad no one answered. he doesn't deserve any apologies. The only reason he even apologized was because he's afraid that he's not going to get his damn pink floyd box set back, and plus, i'd bet my life that there is someone else. that would explain why he doesn't ever want to do stuff "at night". and how all of the sudden, his "friends" he wants to hang out with. Bull Shit.

I'm nothing to him, but a fucking punching bag and I'm fucking tired of this shit

would i be able to prove to him I cared if i ended it all? like he would fucking mind. at least then he's actually have some "peace and quiet" and then I wouldn't be around.... just like he wants.

current mood: depressed

current music: None

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Wednesday, May 21st, 2003

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8:10 pm - Today is the day....

So, this is the new "hole in the wall" for me. Buh bye diaryland, hello livejournal. It helps me to feel better when I think about how I bought this membership... lol.... and he'll probably never even know. Today was an alright day. Tired because of staying out so late last night. I saw "the ring" the movie. I thought it was pretty good. Not a lot to say right now, importing all of nathan's cd's from the Pink Floyd box set i bought him two years ago. I don't know if I'm going to give it back. He can kiss my fucking ass.

current mood: pessimistic

current music: Pink Floyd- Don't Leave Me Now

Hearing:
Feeling:
Stressing:

past | present

Moving On.... Again! - 12.01.04

2004 Review - 12.28.05

Happy December Everyone - 12.01.04

PS Cunt Teacher - 11.29.04

Fucking Bitch Teacher - 11.29.04